Episode 14: Grief & God’s Goodness
An interview with Cassie Carrigan
Cassie peels back the curtain on her grief journey of losing two kids in 11 months. The spiritual mothering that Cassie does as she speaks Caleb and Radiance's names is inspiring and points to none other than our Unchanging, Faithful Father, Jesus.
The Seeds
Name: Cassie Carrigan
Age: 37
Where do you call home? Texas but I live in Colorado Springs
Relationship Status: Married
Season of Work: Licensed Professional Counselor
Hobbies: Spending time with friends, reading, music, dancing, watching sports, eating good food, trying out new restaurants, working out
Interesting Facts about me: I love hip hop and slow jams (R&B)
Jesus Journey: My family, church and school all planted seeds that flourished into me coming to know Jesus as my Savior. My faith became real for me in middle school and high school as I struggled with friends and Jesus became that close confidant and defined my worth for me.
The Branches
Over the last two years you have experienced deep, deep, grief...can you tell us what life has been like?
In September 2018, we lost our daughter, Radiance at 21 wks. I started bleeding at 14 weeks and it never stopped. Since blood is an irritant at 21 wks it broke my water and I delivered our perfectly healthy girl. She lived for about an hour and 15 min. About two months later, we got pregnant with our son Caleb. The second half of the pregnancy was tumultuous as they thought he had downs syndrome, a heart defect, GI issues and so on. Shortly after Caleb’s birth, they did find a heart defect and GI issues. Ultimately, the day before he died we discovered he had a gene deletion which led to a fatal lung disease called Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia with Misalignment of Pulmonary Veins. He died on his 27th day of life after a traumatic journey. In summary, we held two children in our arms as they slowly died in an 11 month time span.
Psychology Today defines grief as the acute pain that accompanies loss. They go on to say that grief can feel all-encompassing. Is there anything you would like to add to this definition? Do you believe Christians grieve differently than say non believers?
Sorrow, lament, devastation, uprooting, darkness, hopelessness are all terms I would add to the definition. Grief is connected to loss and the loss can be any type of loss from a person, to a job, to letting go of a dream and so on. Grief is when reality doesn’t meet expectations.
I think believers have a future hope. The hope that Jesus is coming back to fully redeem and restore us. To give us new glorified bodies. To allow us to be face to face with Him fulfilling every desire we’ve ever had. And Jesus’ promise to make right all things on this Earth that are wrong, unjust, unfair and so on.
Is it possible to be personally grieving yet hold space for others and their grief? This Spring when there were multiple murders within the Black community being publicized and National news coverage you held space for me and my personal grief. I’m so grateful. You did this in ways that I didn’t know I needed: you checked in, you asked me how I was doing, you listened, and when the voices got quiet you kept talking. How did you learn how to do this?
First of all, you are so kind. Thank you for showing up for me. I think I learned how to do this from my son, Caleb. My husband and I often discuss how the past year has been a humbling journey for us as we’ve learned through those who’ve shown up for us, how poorly we have done this for others in the past. I’ve never experienced this depth of pain and through that pain, I’ve realized how much we need each other. We HAVE to show up for one another, period! As I let people into my grief, I realize that they cannot take my pain away, they cannot carry my pain for me and they won’t always fully understand. But they can join me and walk beside me in it. This is what I want to do for you and others. I want to walk alongside people in their pain, to grieve with them even though my grief will look different than theirs. And even if I don’t fully understand another’s grief because I’ve never lived it, I can still step into the pain with them. For you specifically, it was easy to show up for you because you’ve shown up for me. But more specifically, I saw you hurting and that hurt me. Forever, I want to walk alongside others better in their pain, grief and hurt. And this is a way that I am letting God use Caleb’s life in my life to make me more like Jesus, which is a great desire of mine.
Also, Caleb and friends have taught me so much about Romans 12:15--rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. Since Caleb has died, my need for others to mourn with me has been greater than at any other time in my life. And I want to do this well with others. And the rejoicing part too!
You’ve mentioned to me privately that you want Caleb and Radiance’s lives to have an impact on others. What is your part in doing that? What is your HOPE when you tell their stories?
For the last several months and currently still, I’ve been processing this idea of spiritual mothering. Since I do not get to mother Radiance and Caleb in the flesh, here on this earth, what does it look like for me to spiritually mother them? I believe one way is to steward and honor their lives by sharing their lives and remembering their lives. These two babies of mine matter because they were God’s children made in His image, even though their lives were short. It’s also healing for me as I share their stories because it reminds me that they were here and they did have an impact on me and our family. Whenever God asks me to share, I will because they are His children first. My hope when I tell their stories is believing that they were God’s children, He loved them more than I did and they matter to Him. It brings me hope to remember them even in the midst of my pain because they were my children too. Ultimately, the hope is that they are with God in heaven having a fabulous time and fully experiencing the love of Jesus. My hope is that one day we will be reunited because Jesus has made that possible. My hope is that through Jesus, we have victory over sin, death and Satan. My hope is that we will see and taste that victory in Jesus one day as He comes back to restore all that was lost and make it even better. And I’m still figuring all of this out as I go. I continue to ask God to use Caleb’s life and our family’s story to bring glory to His name and people to His kingdom.
What’s your encouragement to those walking through any type of grief? What’s your advice for those who are walking alongside someone else who is grieving?
My encouragement is that grief can be a helpful tool in our healing process. We HAVE to grieve. There is no way around it. Even though it’s incredibly difficult, painful and exhausting, the grief process will give way to healing. I love to “think” my feelings to a better place. With Caleb’s death, I have not been able to do it and I’ve come to realize that I cannot “think” my way through this but rather I have to feel my way through it. Whatever grief you have, lean into your emotions and feel them. With Caleb, it feels as if healing is impossible as I will never get to a place where I’m satisfied with the outcome of his life. But, I do know that if I grieve, I will gain some healing and my grief will change forms over time. I encourage others to; write out their stories, bring safe/trusted people into their grief, identify all the emotions grief is causing, care for self, and stand on hope.
For those walking alongside someone who is grieving… be present. Show up. Be willing to step into the pain with them. If you’ve never experienced their cause of grief before, know that you won’t fully understand but that’s ok, just be there. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Be willing to sit in the emotions that come with grief and don’t try to fix them. Grievers want/need to be seen and heard not fixed. If there has been a loss of a person, say the person’s name. Don’t be afraid to ask how someone is doing or bring up the loss. As someone who is grieving, I am always thinking about the loss of my son so it’s not surprising, shocking, or will make me more upset if you bring it up. It’s honestly worse to say nothing.
Some people are very internal with their grief and don’t like sharing. I don’t think that’s always a bad thing, but I do think that can be unhealthy. People who are walking alongside others in their grief have to remember there is only so much they can do. They don’t have to be the Savior.
Do you believe it is possible to grieve and still say, “God is Good”?
YES! This is possible because my circumstances and feelings do not change who God is. My circumstances and feelings do not change God’s character. My circumstances and feelings do not change God’s plans, purposes or the way He moves and works. I believe God is good even in my grief. However, I do not always feel like He is good in my grief. And in those places, I go back to Truth. I remind myself of Truth. I choose to believe Truth even if I don’t feel it to be true. Throughout this grief process, I have questioned if God really loves me and my family more than I ever have in my life. BUT, in these moments, I remind myself of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. I remind myself of the suffering Jesus went through for me and my family. His undeserved death that has saved me and restored me back to God. This Truth allows me to know and believe God is good.
The Olive Tree
Olive Us was created for women to share their experiences through life and their "Only God" moments so that, we can remember we are connected through Christ and not alone. Why is this important?
This is important because we were made to live in community, the body of Christ, with Jesus as our head. We need each other. We need to encourage one another, uplift one another, challenge one another, keep each other accountable, and speak truth to one another. There are days when I’m struggling to believe what’s true and in those days, its helpful for me when a friend reminds me of the truth. When we share with one another, it increases our faith as we hear how God has been faithful in other people’s lives. We are stronger together than on our own. I think Satan uses isolation to defeat us, to pull us down, to speak lies to us, to distract us and so on.
Finish these statements:
God is….King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the one true God.
It’s possible to grieve & hold space for others because…in your own grief, Jesus gives you insight and compassion for others in their grief. When you’re in the midst of your own grief there is potential for you to see others better in their grief.
"Olive Us" are better when…we know we all need Jesus: His grace, His mercy, His love, His kindness, His conviction, His wisdom, His leading.
Olives to Go
*A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
*For those who’ve lost a child: “A Brave Lament: To those who know death” by Andrew and Christy Bauman
*Tear Soup: A Recipe for healing after loss by Pat Schwiebert
*It’s OK that you’re not OK by Megan Divine