Episode 20: Hopeful for Healing
An interview with Brenda Aguilar Rice
Brenda shares a bit of her 'in process' story of losing loved ones in 2020, becoming a foster mom just as the Global Pandemic began, longing for biological children of her own, and taking in all of the problems of this world. Be encouraged as she describes how she takes care of her mind, body, and soul on the days where her feelings don't match up with her Hope.
The Seeds
Name: Brenda Aguilar Rice
Age: 34
Where do you call home: San Francisco, CA
Relationship Status: Married
Season of Work: Full time videographer and video editor, Foster mom
Hobbies: Singing, dancing, all kinds of art, binge watching (lol), don’t have too much time for hobbies these days unfortunately.
Interesting Facts: Had a Disney/Superhero themed wedding, I’m 4’9”, I was born and raised in Nicaragua, met my husband on Coffee Meets Bagel and he was the only date I went on.
Jesus Journey: Grew up in a Protestant home/family in a Catholic country. My maternal grandmother was one of the strongest women of faith I’ve ever known and she’s a big part of my faith journey. She planted many seeds, but the Holy Spirit finally touched my heart shortly right after her death when I was 14 years old. I gave my life to Jesus then and have never looked back.
The Branches
At the beginning of 2021 you chose “HEALING” as your word for the year. Why did you choose this word?
It meant a lot to me as it relates to my own physical and emotional healing. I also desire healing for those around me like my foster daughter and her family, in addition to the world at large as we tackle this pandemic & numerous other hurts in my country of origin and here in my adopted country.
What kind of hardships did you face in 2020?
Where to start?! I mean this last year has been crazy for everyone. For us, we said yes to taking in an 11yr old foster daughter right before things got crazy with Covid. We had to pivot life hard and fast. We never could’ve anticipated needing to accommodate for virtual learning, among the many other things that come with fostering. As surely every family has experienced, living day in and day out with each other as we work and learn from home isn’t always a walk in the park.
Not being able to travel to see friends and family has been hard. My grandpa and grandma passed away within 2 months of each other, and I couldn’t just get on a plane to go support my dad and hug him. Among all of that (and then some) my husband and I have continued to live with our infertility problems and the constant disappointment that yet again, we’re not pregnant. So yeah, there were a lot of hardships last year that continue into today.
How are you dealing with the disappointments & ALL THE HARD?
Oh man…well I am very much an optimist, but truthfully there have been times where I’m not doing well and I’ve had to sit in the feelings and cry those tears of frustration and heartache. There have been many hard and tearful conversations with God, with my husband, and with close friends. Some days I just take it one day at a time.
Often women/mothers/followers of Christ...struggle with “feeling” disappointed, sad, or angry. We often say phrases like, “We should be thankful we have (insert blessing here) ” which usually doesn’t leave space for any emotions that aren’t associated with happiness and joy. Why do you think this is? Why is it OK to have these emotions? Why is it OK to not be OK?
Oh yes, I still struggle with this for sure, but wow I can see how far I’ve come. I think for me it was a combination of the Latin culture I grew up in and my peacemaker personality (shout out to Enneagram 9s!) that I can so easily brush off feelings of disappointment, sadness, and anger… or compartmentalize them until there’s time to deal with them. I would say that in the last 5 years of my personal and spiritual growth, God has sent me mentors, leaders, and a great spouse who have challenged me and helped me with this. I have found so much freedom in being able to say, “it’s OK that I’m not OK”. I need to be sad, angry, or disappointed and have those 100% honest and real conversations with God and those around me.
What do you do to remind yourself of God’s truth, care, and love for you ? How do you not stay stuck in the valley?
So many things. A practical in the moment kind of thing for me is turning to worship music. I’m a creative, but words don’t come easily to me. Also as an introvert, it often takes me a while to process my feelings so I love turning to songs that have carried me through in the past or explore new songs. Depending on what my heart is feeling, man those words and melodies just hit in such a way that they comfort me or reveal truths that I needed to hear in those moments. For me it’s mostly in the shower, where I can go from belting a song out to ugly crying and lifting my hands up to God in surrender.
Maybe it’s part of being an optimist, but something else I often do is remind myself of what God has done in my life in the past. I remind myself of how He has been faithful beyond what I could’ve imagined, so He’s not gonna stop now. He’s always working and no matter what, I just know His timing and His plan is perfect so I need not be anxious.
Another important thing that I’m still perfecting is allowing myself time and space to rest. It’s so easy for me to get wrapped up in my work, sometimes as an escape to be honest, so I need to be extra intentional about stopping and resting.
How can we do a better job of walking alongside our brothers and sisters in Christ who are Immigrant Parents, Foster Parents, experienced great loss, or similar trials?
This is hard because I don’t feel like I do a good job caring for others… so I would feel like a hypocrite if I say something I don’t practice myself.
I guess what I can say is that we’re all struggling with something… some of us don’t talk about it because we don’t want to, don’t know how to, or no one has asked. I get it, it’s not easy to ask for help.
My husband and I would not have been able to survive last year and fostering in general without our Foster The Bay support friends and church community. Those that know me well, know that it’s very easy for me to get wrapped up in my work and stresses of home life, which leads to me not actively reaching out. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can get so overwhelmed and things escape me.
It has been a blessing when people actively reach out and ask how they can practically help us. That has taken the form of hanging out with our daughter for a few hours (or an entire weekend) and buying us meals or family activity kits.
Sometimes being able to talk and vent with someone other than my husband has been huge. I think just remembering that we’re all struggling with something and giving each other grace, actively listening, and offering advice only if it’s requested can all be helpful tips.
Brenda, are you hopeful for healing? Despite the disappointments, waiting, and not having evidence of change in certain areas, why do you remain hopeful?
Yes, I am hopeful for healing. I remain hopeful because ultimately I know with every fiber of my being, that God has promised He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a Hope and a future. We have been trying to conceive for over two years now. There have been so many tears, so much disappointment, so much sadness… constantly asking God “why?”
“Why do others get to have their own biological children and we don’t?”
“Will it ever happen to us? “
We have more questions than answers.
I can see in the past how His timing was perfect for making different things happen in my life so that’s how I hold on to Hope. I’ve also seen how much my husband and I have grown individually and as a couple during this time, especially since we started fostering. Taking care of other people’s children has only made more emotions and disappointments come up for us, but at the same time, we have seen God revealing things to us about our character and spiritual growth that we can’t help but think that there’s more work to be done before that breakthrough comes.
The mixed feeling reality we’ve come to is that: our breakthrough will come, we will start our own family someday, but that may look completely different than what we thought it would, and that's OK. We are hanging on to God’s hand and trusting He knows what’s best for us and He has a reason behind our infertility.
If someone isn’t HOPEFUL right now because of their present circumstances, how would you encourage them?
As I’ve said, I like to remember. Remember that God has been faithful in the past and He won’t stop now. I hold on to verses that remind me of God’s faithfulness that “this too shall pass.” “There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.” A verse that I’ve held on to through times of difficulty in my life, where I had every reason to lose hope is James 1:2-4:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
The current part of my story is reminding me that God is at work in the trial. It’s OK for me to be broken at times or lack joy, but in those moments I try to remember the work He’s doing. The deep and hard conversations with my husband and the spiritual and character growth we’ve seen in each other. Even at my worst, God was there. God is shaping me, maturing me, so that I can someday be complete, not lacking anything. I’m letting that be my Hope.
Any scriptures or worship songs you want to reference that have sustained you?
Scripture:
Jeremiah 29:11, James 1:2-4, Psalm 30:5, John 9:3
Songs that have given me LIFE:
Anything from Maverick City Music but especially Refiner, Love is a Miracle, Take Me Back, Man of Your Word
Praise Before My Breakthrough by Bryan & Katie Torwalt
It is Well, You Make Me Brave, Goodness of God, King of My Heart by Bethel Music
Graves into Gardens by Elevation Worship
You Alone by North Point Worship
Great Hope, Great God by Seth Condrey
This is A Move by Tasha Cobbs Leonard
The Olive Tree
Olive Us was created for women to share their in process experiences and their "Only God" moments so that we can remember we are connected through Christ and that we're not alone. Why is this important?
So, so, many reasons. One of our values at our church is that “Together is Better” and that is so true! God doesn’t want us to do life alone. As a storyteller (a video storyteller because again I don’t think I have a way with words) I see the impact that sharing our stories can have. I believe God allows us to go through our trials or our “Only God” moments so His works, His faithfulness, and His goodness can be displayed in us (John 9:3.) Sharing our stories helps to sustain and encourage one another.
Finish these statements:
God is.... FAITHFUL.
Despite our disappointments we can remain Hope filled because...God has moved mountains and He will do it again.
"Olive Us" are better when........We hold on to Hope.