Episode 27: The Pursuer of Our Hearts

Dec 1

An interview with Dani Hardy

Hear Dani's 'in process' story of feeling abandoned, unseen, passed over, and forgotten…BUT GOD.⁣ Dani shares little and big ways that God reminded her He was there all along. ⁣

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The Seeds

Name: Dani Hardy

Age: 36

Where do you call home: Arkansas...just outside of Little Rock

Relationship Status: Married for 16 years

Season of Work: Communications Pastor

Hobbies: Writing, singing, reading poetry, spending time outside with my family, cooking with my daughter, and traveling with my husband.

Jesus Journey: I don’t remember a time in my life where I was without Jesus. I walked the old Southern Baptist aisle when I was 4, held a conversation with my pastor like a teenager, and was baptized when I was 5. My faith has, of course, been evolving far and beyond those early childhood days but I don’t ever remember a season of my life where I was without faith in Christ. Those were the days when Jesus became my Savior.

Yet, it was not until I was in my late 20’s to early 30’s where He truly became the Lord of my life. It was in those years of wrestling with my identity, releasing the shame of my past, and accepting the call on my life where I truly learned how to live open-handed...trusting Him as Lord. Plenty of faithful disciples planted seeds in my life but the greatest contributor to me fully surrendering and allowing Jesus to be Lord in my life is my husband, Dusty. He demonstrates Christ’s love to me daily and has for the entirety of our relationship.

The Branches

Dani, you were with us for Volume 3 of our #R2R series! You recounted how in the last 6 months prior to our taping that God had been ‘good & faithful’ through how he pursued your heart during a season where you had experienced loss after loss and been grieving a dream not yet realized. For those that maybe didn’t hear your story, can you share a little bit of the “hard”...”the loss”..and the grief you’ve been through?

The latter half of 2020 and the beginning of 2021 were an emotional roller coaster that just kept rocking on. During that time frame I experienced relational betrayal from friends that required deep soul work to forgive; my third miscarriage which was extremely traumatic both physically and emotionally; a medical and mental health diagnosis for my husband that tested our marriage, our faith, and my strength; and a diagnosis for me of endometriosis, early onset menopause, and a fertility rating of 0.5 shattering any remaining hope of us growing our family after a cumulative infertility journey of 15 years.

I spent quite a bit of 2020 in therapy to learn how to grieve and allow myself to experience the pain of my circumstance instead of simply suppressing my emotions and chasing the next “to do.”

Did the loss you experienced shake your faith? In what ways did you wrestle with God? Did you believe any lies?

The loss and grief that made up those days didn’t cause me to question Christ as my Savior & Lord or Holy Spirit as my Advocate...but it did cause me to broken-heartedly question the Father as my Protector and my Provider. I learned in that season that it was the Father who I had distrust in because of the extent to which I felt unseen, uncared for, and unimportant to Him.

During this time frame, I wrestled with God by asking Him all of the hard questions and working out the answers through the studying of scripture, advice from my therapist, wise counsel from my friends, and hours upon hours of reflection and introspection in my journal writings and prayers.

The primary lie that I believed at that time was attached to the word ENOUGH. If I were enough of a mom I would be able to conceive and carry a baby to term. If I were enough of a woman I would have ovaries that worked and eggs that were healthy. If I were enough of a wife my husband wouldn’t be in turmoil. The enemy had me doing his dirty work for him by perpetuating the lies in my daily narrative that was seemingly supported by my circumstances.

In Pete Scazzero’s “Emotionally Healthy Discipleship” book he devotes an entire chapter to “Discovering the Treasures Buried in Grief & Loss.” He says in this chapter, “ Sometimes, we rebel during confusing in-between periods rather than embrace the waiting period in which we find ourselves. When God seems absent, the temptation is to flee from God, to quit the faith, or to fall into despair.” Dani did you run away from God during your season of grief & loss or did you run toward him?

WOW. I love this question because it is so real. During my season of confusion, chaos, and simply being frustrated with God I didn’t run from Him because that would’ve required too much energy. Seriously. Honestly, I was at such a place of brokenness that I was just trying to figure out how to wake up to each new day, carry my family through the routines of life, and not completely lose myself in the process. I was in survival mode and I remember learning as a child that if you’re ever lost, to stay right where you are so your safe keeper can find you. That’s what I did.

I didn’t run from God...I just stayed right where I was in desperate hope that He would find me. My prayer was often “God I’m not going anywhere but I don’t know how I’m going to stay either.” I was constantly resisting the urge to run away emotionally, mentally, and spiritually because I didn’t have much fight left.

I felt completely unseen and abandoned and it took every ounce of strength and faith to simply hold my feet to the ground. I was in a war within myself, within my soul, and within my circumstances but I knew there was a difference between what I knew and what I felt. I had to cling to the truth of what I knew because it was the only solid ground I had to stand on. It was in those days of clinging to the truth that I learned the harsh reality that in life everyone and everything has the potential to betray you. I learned that at the end of it all, it’s just me and Him...the only certainty I have and the only place I feel completely secure.

In your #R2R video you talked about how God consistently met you. He pursued you. How did you know He was after you?

He pursued my heart through intimate and even peculiar details that I may have missed had I not been so completely desperate to hear from Him.

One main way He pursued me was in gifting me the self-discipline to sit in the scriptures every day. I am a disciplined person but I didn’t want to sit in my blue recliner and talk to Him every morning but He kept drawing me back, every day without fail. He kept me coming back because He was faithful to show up and speak something to my heart.

Then as I would sit and read scriptures, I began to write out my prayers like poetry as well as declarations that were like food to my starving soul. I also began to notice things like the patterns in scriptures that would pop up from devotionals or books that I was reading and they would be directed at my circumstances and real-time situations.

Lastly, the most peculiar thing that would happen that I know was Him involved my Bible app. I receive daily notifications containing the verse of the day BUT the texts that would come through to my phone would have a DIFFERENT VERSE than the app contained for the day and it was always a verse that spoke something specific to my process.

And one more fun detail...I prayed for snow at Camp Well and will never forget how seen I felt when those white flakes started falling on my walk back to my cabin on night 2.

He was in the details with me and I knew He was after me with a purpose!

If someone feels like God is absent or silent right now in their life...what encouragement would you give them?

Watch for Him. Slow down from the busyness and the distractions enough to notice the small yet intimate ways that He is coming for you. Carve out space and time (even though you will not feel like it and perceive it as a waste at first) to simply BE. God connected with me through words...whether it be the scriptures, my prayers, my declarations, or text messages (seriously)...because I’m a words girl.

What’s your thing? Whether it’s music, walking, creating, art, hiking, etc. He will show up for you uniquely, intimately, and intentionally. Go back to a unique root of who you are and wait for Him there. It’s a secret and sacred space where when we’re quiet with Him inside of the uniqueness of ourselves, He shows us His face.

There are different stages of grief & loss. It comes in waves...and most of the time it’s relentless when it hits. At what point did you allow what had happened to be re-framed by God? When were you able to truly say...”Lord even if I never experience being a mother again to a second child….you are still good?”

I don’t remember the exact date but I remember that I was sitting in my blue recliner in the corner of our living room and the fireplace was roaring, which means it was probably January after receiving the devastating news of my last straw diagnosis. I was having a Mary of Bethany moment. I was at His feet weeping and praying and probably pretty hysterical and just like Mary said to Jesus “If you had only been there” regarding her brother’s death I said, “God if you had only been there this wouldn’t have to be part of my story again.” I knew that He could have prevented our miscarriage and the trauma that accompanied it. I knew that He could have prevented the health struggles for my husband. I knew that He could have done something and since He didn’t I poorly assumed that meant He was absent.

Then He clarified something in my soul...He was there which is why I’m still here. He re-framed my perspective of the prior months and allowed me to see, not the places where I thought He was absent, but instead the places where He was very much present allowing me to still be right where I was (safe, healthy, married, mothering my then 4-year-old, and praying to a God I still believed in).

I surrendered myself to fully accept a truth that had been bubbling up in me for years. The truth that He could do anything because He is the Almighty God but that He was not obligated to do something just because I called it good. After all, it was Him, not me who was the author of good.

I knew then that I had never walked a moment alone and that no matter how any circumstance unfolded that He would forever be good...no matter how long it took me to acknowledge it or accept it as truth.

This is NOT always the case, but you’ve experienced a miracle after years of grief & loss. Can you tell us about the miracle and how it’s part of your ‘in process’ story and cause for CELEBRATION after all these years, but separate from how God pursued your heart?

You are right, we do not always receive the miracle that we ask for after enduring grief and loss-- and I don’t fully understand why I’ve been distinctly blessed with this gift of a miracle baby, but I know that I will never stop telling this story.

The most straightforward truth that I have had to accept is that though I am carrying a miraculous baby girl in my womb who is due in just a few short weeks, it is the miracle of what happened in my heart that is due the greatest celebration.

God pursued me through my pain, my sin, my questioning, my unbelief, my grief, my insecurity, and the moments where I felt completely invisible. He revealed to me my patterns of self-preservation, self-determination, and self-sufficiency that only ever ended in an exhausted and unfulfilled version of myself. He pursued me by way of His word, His church, and His creation.

He healed my heart and renewed my faith in the winter then He restored my JOY in Him through Camp Well in the mountains of Colorado...weeks before I found out I was pregnant. This timeline that God so intricately designed will always be the evidence I need when the enemy attempts to sell me on the lie that I only have joy because I got what I wanted by being pregnant. When the ultimate truth is...I did have JOY when I got what I wanted and that came weeks before a positive pregnancy test… because I only ever wanted to know with 100% assurance that I was loved and He convinced me of that once and for all on the side of a giant rock, beside a flowing brook at Lost Valley Ranch, CO on April 14th, 2021.

I am standing smack in the middle of multiple miracles that I do not deserve and that I did not earn. I am nearly 9 months pregnant with a daughter I have prayed for and dreamt of for years that medicine and science said was impossible. I will soon deliver a baby sister to our 5-year-old daughter that she has asked God for since she was old enough to talk. I am walking through the 16th year of my marriage with a healthy husband and a restored connection because of the steadfastness of our faithful God. I am living loved every single day because He pursued my heart, captured my attention and affection, restored my joy, and gave me profound peace….all before granting me miracle upon miracle.

Olive Us was created for women to share their in-process experiences and their "Only God" moments so that we can remember we are connected through Christ and not alone. Why is this important?

One of the greatest tactics of evil is isolation and it is especially successful with women. The sharing of stories is a personal and intimate process that allows us to see past the facades of social media into the real heart of issues that we are all facing in our actual lives. Stories of God’s faithfulness in the lives of other people helps us to hold out for hope because it gives us a glimpse of what He could do and just might do in our own stories. It has always been important for people, for women, to know that they are not alone and that they are connected to other believers through the person of Christ but I believe it is a more timely need than ever before!

The Olive Tree

Finish these statements:

God is… faithful beyond measure.

God is always pursuing ‘Olive’ our hearts because…He has been seeking relationship with His creation since He first walked in the cool of the day with Adam and Eve. He is a relational God continually pursuing the hearts of the created.

‘Olive Us’ are better when…we get honest with ourselves and show up honest with other people about how “in process” we really are. There is great comfort, hope, and peace in knowing that “Olive Us” are trying to navigate life in this broken world while living for a Holy God.