Episode 22: Worthy of Love
An interview with Aloysia Tennial
Aloysia shares her 'in-process' story of childhood wounds, trauma, loss, and how God is bit by bit redeeming it all by HIS LOVE. Despite past hurt, Aloysia leans into God's truth...she is "fearfully & wonderfully made" and that He has "plans to prosper her & not to harm her, plans for a hope & future."
The Seeds
Name: Aloysia Tennial
Age: 29
Where do you call home: Oak harbor, Washington
Relationship Status: single and ready to mingle!
Season of Work: High school youth pastor
Hobbies: Does talking to people count? Haha! I love doing hair and makeup, wedding season is my favorite!
Interesting Facts: the very place where I gave my life to Jesus “for real for real” is the place that I’m pastoring at now!
Jesus Journey: When I was a little girl, a cute old lady would drive around and pick me and my brothers up for Awanas. That's where I first said “yes” to Jesus! I thought I was going for a free meal, God had other plans!
The Branches
‘Olive Us’ are WORTHY of God’s love simply because HE created us and SAID SO. Does the state of our country...our world...the church...break your heart?
Oh, yea 100%! I think we all know this last year has been so devastating. But more than anything I feel like this year has shined a light on how deeply off we are. Some of us cannot see past our opinions! I think people genuinely just want a place to belong, exist, and connect. Sometimes I think we are getting further and further away from connectivity. Proximity does not equal connectivity!
How was love shown to you as a young person? If there was a lack of love, how did this affect how you’ve shown up in the world?
My dad was out of the picture from a really early age, so it was my mom with 5 kids on her own. I deeply believe she could not love herself, so when you don’t love yourself everything else seems relative. She was an alcoholic so I actually “felt” loved by her mostly when she was drunk. I remember when my 10th birthday came around. There was a lot of promises. After she came home from work that day we had dinner and then she went to the bar with friends. I stayed up waiting for her for a really long time. She came rolling in the door around 11 pm. In her drunken state she bent down, and with her breath heavy with all she consumed, kissed all over me. At this point, I was already heartbroken and there wasn’t a lot she could do to make up for it. I remember turning over on the couch and her being like “well fine” and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up to breakfast and streamers. She displayed love to me really well out of regret. This played a huge role in my teenage and early adult years. I loved people fiercely, but once they didn't “show up” for me, the ugly beast of resentment set in. Unfortunately, I was taught that if your cold enough, or mad enough people will see you and respond. It's been one of the hardest things to overcome.It’s an active process for sure!
Growing up what made you feel loved? Who taught you how to love?
I felt so loved when people would spend special time with me. When their words would match up with their actions. In some foster homes, I remember feeling so loved when they would invite me into the kitchen to cook dinner with them. Unfortunately at a very young age, I learned how to protect my heart from rejection. I learned how to keep people just far enough away that when they left or broke a promise, it wouldn’t hurt so bad. As a 29-year-old, I can look back and see some of the ways people tried to love me, but I can confidently tell you that from the ages of 7-17 I never felt loved. Only in the past couple of years have I started to walk in what unconditional love is… talk about IN PROCESS!
Has knowing the Lord & having a relationship with him changed the way you view LOVE, HOPE, and how you're ‘in relationship’ with others?
Oh, it has deeply changed the way I view love and hope. I know that God is the ONLY one that can love me in my intended form. He is the only one who truly knows the depths of my heart. My war cry, the desires, no one is like Him. Knowing this took the pressure off of looking for love in places and people that would always come up empty. I thought maybe if my mom said she loved me, I would feel loved and fulfilled. Nope. Maybe if my friends thought highly of me I would feel loved. Nope. Maybe if I was in a serious relationship, then I would feel loved and not so empty. Nope. Only God could fill the heaven-sized hole in my heart. I stopped living for love and started living from love. Love stopped being something I thought only good or deserving people earned. Love was freely given by my Heavenly Father.
My hope rests in Him too. Hope to me is the EXPECTATION that God is going to come through for me. Because He has done it before, He will do it again. When I started to understand just a small bit of God’s plan for this world, I deeply desired EVERYONE to know. I have HOPED that God would use me to share His love. I want to share His freedom and the hope that goes way beyond this side of the Earth. I know that He has created other people to do this with me. It says multiple times in His word that two is better than one, and that where two or more are gathered there He is. God intended for us to be ‘in relationship’ with others, so I hold on to the hope of unity that my sisters and brothers would grab hands and walk out the great commission together. That requires trust and a whole lot of hope.
On International Women’s Day, you honored your birth mother, aunties, foster moms, counselors, and “other mothers” that have been part of your “in process” story. At the same time, you hold the tension of your past experiences that include...loss...grief..pain...suffering. How do you forgive those who have hurt you and still walk in love?
Man. Life is so hard and so messy. I was sitting in my bed and just crying out to God sometime last year when my brother died. I was mad. I was so deeply frustrated. I felt abandoned again. The pandemic hit, me and a guy that I had started talking about wedding dates with broke up, and I was just fighting with God. I needed a mama. I wanted a mom so bad to cry on and my mom just couldn’t be what I needed. I decided to write my mom a letter that I had no intention of giving to her. It’s as if the Holy Spirit took over my pen. I read this letter back to myself and it was only then that I realized how I had been holding my mom to the very same cross Jesus died on for people like you and me. I needed my pain to be justified in life and in a split second the Lord showed me the strength that my mom carried, even to this day as she wept in her bed grieving the death of her second child. I thought to myself,“what if people hold me to the same kind of punishment that I have held others to?!” I saw my mom through the strength that she’s let me borrow and it softened my heart. Now let me tell you… I still cry, I’m still mad or feel hurt sometimes, but God reminds me of the cross, and it lightens the load.
There’s someone watching (and/or reading this blog) that has:
* grown-up feeling discarded & unloved
*made a lot of wrong choices
*felt very unloved based on the state of our world (racial injustice, hate crimes, covid, etc.)
and they feel unworthy to receive God’s love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. What’s your advice for RECEIVING the Love of God, walking in it, and allowing others to love you in return?
LISTEN SISTER, there are a couple of truths I know about your life. You were created by a God who knit you together in your mother’s womb. He has a sure promise for your life! We can be so tempted to strive and try to find love in every corner of our lives. God's love requires nothing of us. It’s simply given. We get to rest in that! In His word, we are promised that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. So in the morning when you rise, take time to read through God’s love story to us. As you worship, cry out to him. As you pray and fast, remember that this is all part of receiving. There’s no checking off a list so we can “get LOVE.”We participate in these things from a place of love.
To those who are in a season that feels like the darkest night of your soul, know that you are not alone. That is exactly where God’s love found me. I was dry, dead bones. He was walking around and he looked at me and said TILITHA CUMI. GIRL RISE. He took my hand, breathed His breath into my lungs, and naked and ashamed he clothed me in the whitest garment. He clothed me in love. He doesn't need our swinging from the chandelier moments. He desires our praise. Our utterances. He’s a faithful God.
As we were getting ready for this interview you told me that one of the MANY ways you feel loved by God is knowing that “He holds your hand while you’re processing #allofthethings.” How is God showing up for you RIGHT NOW?
I’m in a natural transition, almost 30, walking out of a really hard place and asking God what's next. Continued faithfulness or dreaming big…maybe both. And I think the little intimate times with the Lord have been so good. He keeps reminding me that my job is to simply sit at His feet and only move when He tells me to. This last year has been so hard and I was waiting for God to abandon me. I felt like that’s what happens when things get hard with people that “love” me. I would open my eyes after catastrophic moments and He was there. After tears…He was there. After joy…He was there. After sin…He was there. He’s never left and He continues to show me that He’s not going anywhere. He’s so patient and kind!
We #Recount2Remember God’s Goodness & Faithfulness all the time here at ‘Olive Us.’ After the sadness you experienced on Mother’s Day you said, “It’s crazy to still feel like God is good even though there are days of pain, grief, and suffering.” With all that you’ve experienced in life, how can you still say God is good? Why will you follow Him for the rest of your days?
He’s been so faithful. I have never ever been let down. I know God is not expecting me to be perfect, but progressing. Every day He desires closeness with me. The promise of eternity is way greater than I could ever imagine!
The Olive Tree
Finish these statements:
God is…so faithful.
Olive Us are worthy of love because... the hand of God knit you together.
Olive Us are better when…we hold the line for each other.